Tonight I got the news that I was almost positive that I would never get, I am not in the Man of the Year Top 5. I know….awful, dreadful, how will I ever surive, etc etc etc. Actually it makes me feel rather catty saying it, so maybe it’s a good thing that I am writing this out. I have built my life around getting involved. I am in every group I can possibly be in, I go from meeting to meeting to meeting, I am a Resident Assistant, a station manager, and I still manage to get a 3.6 and maintain my class work. This man of the year thing was literally all I thought about for the last week, and tonight in a matter of 5 seconds my entire world came shattering down.
I can only really imagine the look on my face when I got the call. An onlooker to this situation would have thought that I had just received a call that someone in my family had died. I went into a state of panic, and that ever loving feeling of regret. Why did I waste my time doing all of these things? I have laughed, cried, had panic attacks, ran literally like a chicken with my head cut off, all for the things that I am involved in. That is time that I will never be able to get back. I could have taken the advice of the many that told me “You could have a real job, where you actually make money”. I missed out on so much because of the things I was involved in. I could do literally everything that I missed out on, because I had to say no for someone else. What’s worse though is that this singular situation makes me feel like I am not good enough, and that I am living a complete and total lie. It makes me feel like I have accomplished nothing.
But I can’t think like that.
I am not going to lie, I would love formal recognition for the things that I do. I want to be announced in front of the homecoming crowd and maybe have the chance to be THE man of the year. However, I did not get involved in every organization I am in because I thought I was going to get recognition. I got involved because I love this school and I want to make it a better place for everybody else. If I hadn’t of gotten involved I would be so different. I probably wouldn’t even go to school here.
This feeling of sadness won’t easily go away. There will be people that I love and respect that I will have to be happy for. I will put on a smiling face and wish them the absolute best while in my heart feeling the biggest twang because I can’t share in this joy with them. I will have to sit through the ceremony on homecoming on the sideline and watch what I am sure will be the longest 10 minutes of my entire life. It will be brutal, the thought of it literally makes me want to vomit, but I will get through it.